People Watching.

I sat in the airport and people watched. I have a need to be everywhere way too early so I had plenty of time to waste. I love people watching and the airport is one of the best places. People coming and going, all with their own stories, which are fun to make up in your own head. The grumpy person pushing past everyone clearly is headed to see family they want nothing to do with. The elderly grandma type smiling at all the babies is headed to see family she DOES want to see. Possibly a brand new grand baby she is excited to meet for the first time. Everyone moving, and those sitting still looking tired, ragged.

I havent traveled much, but I did make multiple trips with 12-14 hours of traveling. The first time I had an almost 2-year-old and was 36 weeks pregnant. Then I came home with a 10 day old as well. The next time I traveled with an almost 2-year-old and almost 4-year-old. I get it, traveling with kids is not easy….

So I sat watching probably a 3-year-old little boy. His mom sat against the wall next to him as he stood and played. Between him and another man sitting on the wall was his stroller. The man was nicely dressed, iPad in hand clearly doing some sort of work. The boy and mom were not as well dressed, no iPad in hand. The mom was distracted, clearly stressed about traveling or something else pressing in her life. The boy played, alone and quiet. Eventually he made eye contact with the man, who smiled warmly at the boy. He took his eyes off his screen and played with the boy. Making faces, smiling, clearly happy with his choice to forego the work. The boy as well was thrilled. For a few fleeting moments they played, the boy Peekabooing around the stroller… Until the Mom noticed, slapped him, and he sat back down quietly… The man turned back to his iPad without even a second thought.

I don’t understand. There is no way about it, I just don’t get it. This man took time from the things he had going on and he and the boy throughly enjoyed each other for those few minutes. How sad that was stolen from them both. How sad that the man did not even react. Maybe he was caught off guard. Maybe he didn’t know what to do. Maybe it wasn’t his place to say anything or even react. Maybe the mom was stressed. Maybe she wasn’t thinking. Maybe there is so much going on in the situation that I don’t understand. But nevertheless, it was still sad to watch. How often we are so engrossed in what we have going on in our own lives that we miss the time to smile at someone else. To give even a brief second of our time to someone else.The boy clearly needed that minute with someone completely engaged with someone. The man obviously was happy to have some time away from what he had going on to just play. If only it wouldn’t have been cut so short… Give that second when you can…. Even if just for me, the people watcher figuring out your story from across the isle.

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I may break something…

Because that would clearly be productive….

I was always an athletic person. Growing up I played baseball, with the boys. Well, that is until they began throwing the ball AT ME and no longer to me. It was around middle school when I retired from little league, but I was still a swimmer, cheerleader (shocking right?!?!) and baton twirler. I was flexible, strong, and super competitive. I have always HATED running, but when I was 22 my EX and I decided to train for our first half marathon, the Disneyland half (see, I have a Disney problem). Of course I began training and then became pregnant, but I continued to run and finished my first half marathon at 20 weeks pregnant. I will not be telling you my time…

So that makes it about 8 years that I have been running. My running plan has always been; run well for 6 months, get injured and be out for a couple months. Often times it has been this deep nagging ache in my calf that no one has been able to diagnose, once a stress fracture, and another time superficial vein thrombosis (This is not deep vein thrombosis which is very scary… I was told unless it comes back I should not worry… who knows). Basically, I’m a mess. I hate this! I can not stand not being able to run. The mountains are sitting out there, calling me, and I am not patient.

Before I knew that Lululemon Shorty Shorts are ALL you should wear. Sad days...

Before I knew that Lululemon Shorty Shorts are ALL you should wear. Sad days…

Right now I’m sitting staring at how beautiful it is outside. Walking hurts, sitting makes me angry, there is no winning. I’m not sure what it is this time, feels like a stress fracture (which it did with the blood clots the last time), but if I rest for a couple days the pain isn’t as extreme. Ugh… I’m frustrated. Honestly I wonder if the last giant baby I gave birth to (9lbs 8ounces, ouch) messed with my hip alignment and that is causing all my issues. Seems like a good thing to blame, right? So for now I sit, angry, until I get my act together and head to the doctor. *sigh* Oh yes, and that means no Zane Grey for me…

Life….

Remembering the days I could run...

Remembering the days I could run…

Categories: Running | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sometimes a little Duct tape is all you need

There was a time in my life where I was an amazing mom. I had everything together and my children spent their days doing crafts, baking and making memories. I felt in control of myself. I felt on top of the world. I felt whole…

At some point that got lost. While some days felt the same, others felt broken. I felt lost in myself, unable to handle simple tasks. Everything felt overwhelming, so I would go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow. Those “better days” became few and far between. I found myself in “survival mode” all too often. I took on the “fake it till you make it ” approach, but at some point even that didn’t work. In the moment it didn’t feel as bad, but looking back now, I was a mess.

I let go of the simply joys, and began seeing everything negatively. I was not finding the joy in my children as a use to, which lead me to be a more “hands off” Mom. While I have always done things differently parenting wise, I still received praise from others in the off beat approach I chose. While I was still receiving this praise, I no longer believed it. No, I was not a “awesome Mom”, I wasn’t even a good Mom. “How do you do it?” I try and not spend my entire day crying and at least feed them three decent meals a day. That counted as a win for me…. Mind you, I did have my good days. Days where we made a mess, painted our bodies, played in the mud, but these days were now work for me. I had to set aside my OCD feelings of needing to clean everything and force myself to let go. Force myself to have fun. How pathetic.

This all made me angry with myself. I was failing, which happens to be one of my biggest fears. I would try, but I just could not get myself together…

I had some silly childish grand idea that moving on in my own life would help….

Its taken a lot of soul search, breathing, and letting go of others opinions. Its been a breaking free of the hole I was pushed in and standing on my own two feet. Its been work, but I am feeling whole again. I am truly thankful for all my friends that have stood by me. Those that have listened and I’m sure wanted to shake me. Although a shaking wouldn’t have been terrible, I am thankful you didn’t. I am grateful you let me learn these lessons on my own, I needed to. So what do I do now that I’m healthy? The sky’s the limit! (you’re welcome for the cliche’) I honestly don’t know. I know that my children are going to benefit. The Mom I was helped to mold Tajh and Tea into the amazing young people they are, the rest deserve that too. I stopped being amazing, I don’t ever want to lose that again.

I’m back baby!image

Categories: My world as a Single Mom of 5 kids | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Holding on to trust

I have always been a firm believer that My Littles should have an adult in their life they can tell anything to and know they will not be judged. Someone that will keep their secrets if that is what they need. Someone to guide them on the right path, someone I too can trust. I never thought my children would choose me for this job…

On a hike the other day I wore Tru while the others marched along, Tea holding Tenny’s hand on the steep downhills. We chatted as usual and the kids began sharing some worries they had. I took a deep breath and thought very hard before I responded, even for me this was a bit much. It was eye-opening to me how much they talk to each other. They shared with me that they had talked about this very thing at the park a couple of days prior. I had wondered what they were doing, not playing just walking in a little gang together around the perimeter. Apparently they were sharing all the little spy work they had done with and discussing their feelings. As a Mother wanting my children to have a super tight bond, I was proud. Now that they were allowing me in on their little secret, I was honored.

Sister Love

Sister Love

He always gets excited when we are going on a hike and falls asleep within minutes… apparently we aren't very exciting!

He always gets excited when we are going on a hike and falls asleep within minutes… apparently we aren’t very exciting!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So they told me what they knew, their feelings, their worries, and asked me to keep their secret. It is not something harmful to anyone else, something that could easily be avoided if people in their lives made an effort, but I still felt uneasy as I made the promise. I will not tell on you. I still feel uneasy, but I can not lose their trust. If I tell, they will know, and then I will not get the chance to be a part of their little gang any longer. Their counseling sessions with each other will become a secret from me, and I can not have that. Maybe that’s wrong of me? Maybe I’m suppose to “be a parent” and not a friend? Maybe I’m making the biggest mistake every and I’m going to pay for it later…

But I honestly don’t care…

I have a secret that I’m not telling! My Littles have a pretty awesome club and I am excited to be a part of it!

My Gang

My Gang

The hike went on, we wandered with no real direction or plan, and it was perfect. I’m really digging not coming up with a plan even for my own runs. Choosing left or right, up or down, going with the flow and allowing the day to create itself. I find myself dreading the days we have things to do and longing for the ones we can get lost in. The no agenda days of the summer have been missing far too long…

 

 

Categories: My world as a Single Mom of 5 kids | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Six Wild and Free

How do I explain what has been going on with me in short? Chaos. I must have been living in some dream world but I honestly never thought I would find myself at 30 with no real possessions, no home, no car, no money, and no education. When I became a full time Mom I believed it was forever and never saw the need to prepare myself to be independent. I get it, I was delusional. In the end I can only blame myself for the terrible spot I am in today. So here I sit trying to decide what I become when I grow up….

My blog will remain Seven Wild and Free, but currently there are only 6 of us. We are Six Wild and Free looking for our number “Seven”. No don’t take “Looking” as waiting around twiddling our thumbs. We are living our lives to the fullest. Adventuring, exploring, and doing epic shit together. If our “Seven” comes along during that time, great. If not, oh well. Now you may ask yourself “but doesn’t she have a +1″?? Why yes, yes I do. My +1 is awesome and has helped me out a ton during this crazy time in my life. Is he “Seven”? I’m not sure yet. I get it, buying in to an existing family with a ton of kids is a lot to take on. Our “Seven” will see how fulfilling a life with us can be and how much my Littles and I have to offer. I made a promise to my Littles that I will not ever marry someone that does not love them as much as I do. That is a promise I will not break. So my little family of 6 is going to continue to be awesome (now that I’ve gotten my shit together somewhat).

Currently I am attempting to train for Zane Grey (yes laugh now). I have been such a mess that no training has happened, well unless you count my 3-4 mile run every Wednesday night leading the group run. So yeah, let’s take a super hard 50 mile, a crazy lady trying to get her life together with ZERO time to run and see what happens. I mean, this should be fun right?? Also let’s add to that, my blood clots seem to be back (superficial vein thrombosis)  and I have no insurance… Yes I’m winning! So who knows whats going to happen. Maybe chaos in your life and loosing everything you thought you had makes you tough enough to run 50 miles with little training? Don’t bet on it, but I promise I’ll try!

I LOVE Zac Brown Band. I have a really awesome memory of a friend who helped me to remember I am special, worthy, and important. One night he sent me this song, it still makes me smile every time I hear it. :)

Categories: My world as a Single Mom of 5 kids | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Vomit

Im sitting at Starbucks while my +1 is racing. It’s one of those silly races that I can do nothing at. No updates, no driving to aid stations, just sitting… waiting… I could have gone for a run but I feel like the blood clots are back in my legs and even running a little hurts (superficial blood clots, not the super scary ones). So Starbucks it is.

You know what’s awesome? Being in a restaurant and having a 2-year-old that has been fine ALL day just vomit. Yup. Now let’s picture this, I am there alone with 5 hungry children. It’s late and we really just need to eat and get “home” (yeah we still don’t have a real home…. story for another day) and head to bed. So, being the awesome Mom I am, I give the loud “oh Honey did you choke on a chip”, trying to save myself and not have to run out of the restaurant. He, said 2-year-old who will remain unnamed is not upset or having issue at all. OF COURSE a certain 8-year-old has to VERY loudly respond to her mother’s rhetorical question “Mommy I don’t think that was because of a chip”- Death Stare to said 8-year-old… Ugh… Did I leave? NO! It was only a little vomit, I was able to clean it up on the sly. 2-year-old just kept shaking his finger at me saying “no more mommy no mommy”. Ok buddy, I get it, you won’t vomit any more. He kept eating, we all laughed and had a great time. Mommy win!

Jump to the next morning, everyone is eating breakfast and Tay asks “Mommy will eating something make me feel better”? “I think so buddy” I respond. I head upstairs to take care of Tru and turn to the bathroom door to see Tay staring at me. That stare only a mother knows “hey buddy you feeling alright…” and before I can finish he has vomited all over the floor. Clearly we are doing well right now. He now feels better, I clean everything up, and drop them off with their Dad. It’s +1′s birthday and we are heading to California for him to race this silly 50k, EXCEPT we BOTH feel terrible too!

So we drive feeling like we are both going to throw up. Try and eat dinner feeling like we are both going to throw up. Sleep in the car feeling like we are both going to throw up. Sit in the car with the heater on at the race start feeling like we are both going to throw up. Then he does, and now he is racing. Because, that’s what you feel like in an ultra, right? Silly boys….

Moral of the story, there is a lot of vomiting going on. AND you may want to stay away from me, I haven’t vomited yet, sorry Starbucks peeps. I’m looking forward to feeling a little better and hanging out in California with +1 having some fun for his birthday!

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My family

Sometimes you wake and everything is normal again.  You feel like that terrible nightmare wasn’t real life, clearly, it couldn’t be…. And then you rub your eyes, take in your surroundings, and realize it is real. Everything that had haunted your brain during the night has really happened. There is no turning back, no changing anything, there is only moving forward. But forward is scary, daunting. My only choice right now is to embrace the scary. To refuse to let the ” I can’t” brain take over. Everything I do right now is a step out of my comfort zone. Every move I make is an entirely new world.

I apologize for not writing recently. I have this thing about not writing when shit has hit the fan, it makes everything all too real. If I hold it in maybe I can wake up from this terrible dream, but it clearly will never work. So here I sit, trying to let all those who have shared my journey with me in on this new adventure in my life.  I don’t know what to say. How do I share without sounding like I’m complaining (even if I might want to)?  How do I write every pain I have in my heart right now, but share all my small triumphs? As soon as I figure it out I promise I will.

For now, this is my little family. I am Thankful.

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Christmas Surprise

I always struggle with Christmas. Although I am far from religious, I still believe Christmas should be about family and trying to make the day special for others. My children have grown to never expect too much and we try to stress the importance of doing your best to make others happy. This Christmas I was met with a very unexpected and truly heartwarming surprise.

In the hustle and bustle to rush to the store for the last-minute items needed for our family brunch, I failed to notice an envelope in a ziplock bag placed on my windshield. As I drove away I saw it going flying off behind the van, but still had no idea what it was. Something compelled me to go back for it, even running across the road to find it. As I picked it up I noticed both Seth’s and my name on the envelope. I started thinking who could possibly have left us a card on the van as a ran back to where I had parked. Who wouldn’t come to the door and hand deliver something yet be so careful as to place it in a plastic bag to not get ruined. I opened it, read the card, and immediately called Seth. “Your Neighbors” as it was signed must have a wonderful heart I told him. I won’t go into too much detail, but I will say, these neighbors know the true meaning of christmas. They have taken the time to read our blog and found it in their hearts to share with us. I am truly touched by their generosity and overwhelmingly thankful. While they have chosen to remain nameless (only signing from our “neighbors”) we felt like our family needed to say thank you. Please know we deeply appreciate your card, your gift, your kindness. We also appreciate the conversation that was sparked with our children, not all the good you do in the world will you see the benefit of first hand. It’s about doing good, from your heart, no matter what.

Thank you. Please know we genuinely appreciate you.

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Children’s Books

Sometimes as a Mom your job is to stop and listen. As they scream and yell, slam door, and generally do everything in their power to stress you out, you have to see through it. You have to see the pain they are hiding, and it’s your job to figure out what is causing it. Despite the fact that Seth and I have set out to make the transition for our children as  easy as possible, there are issues for sure. Each child is showing signs of frustration and stress, which I believe is to be expected. When I see this pain in my children it sends me straight to the book shelf. I am always looking for new fun books to help start conversations about feelings with my Littles or to simply remind them of what is important in the world.

 

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Tonight I pulled out some for the coming days to share with my Little People. Books that I hope will help set them back on the track to feeling happy inside. Books I hope that will bring them back to “normal”.

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

Tajh my Tajh

Some days I feel like Tajh (10), the sweet, loving, innocent boy who would always protect his Mother is lost forever. I seriously start to wonder if he is possessed or possibly has had his body take over by some hormonal, angry, confused, loud, frustrating, obnoxious alien. Either way, it sucks! And then occasionally I get the joy of having my little man back, and I am thankful.

IMG_5796

Since Facebook has become the “repost every article you find mildly interesting” forum, I have felt inundated with articles I would normally never read, but now feel the pressure to. Some articles do catch my attention though, mostly the ones having to do with parenting. Recently I read one about raising boys, a subject very near and dear to my heart. I want to raise my boys to be the best husbands (or partners) they can be. I want them to open doors (screw feminism) and make their partner feel special. I want them to think of others, be kind, be polite, and most importantly be an asset to society. I feel like most Mothers would say the same, but how many follow through? I literally stand at doors until one of my boys open them. I have an expectation that my boys will be taking care of me, and in return I try to be the Mother they deserve.

I send Tajh into the store alone on occasion. I have 5 kids, sometimes it’s nice to not have to drag them all in, and I trust him to behave appropriately. Today I sent him in list in hand to grab a couple of things. He returned as always with money in his fist (he literally never puts it in his pocket, I find this odd… but then again he is a tad odd), bag in hand, and he hoped into the van casually. As he got in his seat he says “well mommy the rolls were on sale so I got you something”. I peek in the bag to find my favorite special drink. What 10-year-old boy grocery shops for his Mother and then thinks about how he can surprise her? How many husbands/boyfriends are absolutely incapable of grocery shopping, let alone are able to think of bringing their partner a surprise? My little Tajh is such a beautiful young man. The compassion he has for animals is incredible, and his drive to learn more about them is intense. He spends his days reading, thinking, dreaming. He loves nature, weaves sticks in his crazy hair, and finds beauty where most would miss it as they rush by. This little guy made me into a Mother, he stole my heart, he helped me become the person I am today. Life with a tween can be rough, you just have to remember the little things.  So whatever alien gave him his body back for the day, thank you!

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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