Monthly Archives: August 2015

The emptiness of a clean house

I’ve spent a lot of time as a Mom cleaning. I may preach “the mess will be gone before you know it, they grow up too fast”, but really my OCD takes over and I clean. I hate walking into a house with toys everywhere. My kids play and make a mess and I follow behind them cleaning it up… not always, but much of my “Mom career” was spent being the cleaning lady.

Nowadays my kids leave 50% of the time. I could easily keep a super clean house while they are gone, but now a clean house is sad. A toy not on the rug means no one will be coming back to it in a couple of minutes. Clothes on the floor means no one is there for me to yell at to put them away. Is this something all single Mom’s feel? The loneliness of a clean home? When they are here I clean too much. I still follow them around picking up after them. Try and have them keep their messes contained. But when alone, the stuffed animal stays in its haphazard home… the dirty sock doesn’t find its way to the laundry basket, the straw hat used to play farmer sits in my chair without a head to don. Am I really the only one?

I’ve learned to clean sections. The joy I feel of over cleaning accomplishment can be had, but I always see my kids still here. Today it’s the kitchen and living room, everything is in place and the smell of way too all natural cleaning products is in the air. Their room is untouched. Beds aren’t made, they were too busy playing before they left to make them themselves. Clothes are on the floor, shoes out-of-place, they will be back. It’s comforting in a way, but still sad. They are still missing… Does this feeling ever go away?

Sometimes I find myself pretending it’s nice to have a “break”, and maybe some days it is. Yes, a day off every once in a while is helpful, maybe every couple of months. Sometimes I get the feeling Moms who have their kids all the time are jealous of my freedom. Sometimes they express it, just a little, and I can’t respond. I want to scream. I want to tell them I never became a Mom to have all this down time. I want them to see the days I’m without my kids and “free” and how lonely it is. Maybe it’s silly, maybe it’s that “grass is always greener” feeling…. Whatever it is I’ve had it both ways. I would always take being a full-time Mom with no breaks over being a part-time Mom.

So now I’ll go back to scrubbing things that have already been scrubbed and leave the bunny in the middle of my floor until it’s friend returns.

Advertisements
Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Mama Bear in me.

Tajh is my oldest son. For 12 years now he has been a complete individual, all my kids are but he really takes the cake. He loves animals, has for as long as I can remember. He is kind, gentle, always wants everyone to get along (well usually…). Tajh is the kind of kid that coombya and drum circles are there for. He has a the spirit of nature and does not concern himself with other people’s judgment.  I do not cut my boy’s hair until they are 2. At that point I start cutting myself, shaving it, giving them a mohawk, or just letting it grow. For over 3 years now Tajh has decided to let it grow. I remember another Mom telling me a story of how her son and Tajh got called girls by a woman. While her son took issue, Tajh shrugged it off. He always does. Sometimes he rolls with it while his siblings (or myself) correct the ignorant person. Yes, if you call my 12-year-old son a girl, you are ignorant. His hair is unkept, dreading on it’s on, he wears “boy” clothes, nothing says girl… Well other than the extremely unreliable “long hair means girl” opinion.

IMG_4860

I’ve wanted Tajh to cut his hair for a long time. He doesn’t take care of it and having to comb out the mats is a pain. At one point we discussed dreads,  but there is so much upkeep and he just isn’t willing to do it. Sometimes I try bribing him to cut it, but in the end I know its his hair and he can do as he pleases. My wanting him to cut his hair has everything to do with my desire for something easier, not because of how he looks or my concern for what others think of him.

At Disneyland Tajh became weird about going to the bathroom. Asking to go then saying he didn’t have to. Asking many times to go, going and then asking to go again. Clearly this raised a red flag. He didn’t want to speak about it but eventually he filled me in…

Tajh entered the mens restroom.

Adult Male “You shouldn’t be in here, you’re a girl”

Tajh “No I’m a boy”

Adult Douchebag “No, you’re a girl”

Tajh “No, I’m not.”

And that was it. That small exchange with the slime of the earth has my son uncomfortable going into the mens restroom for the rest of the day and wanting to cut his hair.

To that piece of shit worthless human being: You are lucky my son did not tell me when I could have found you. I always make the joke, I’m a fighter, not a lover, but boy is that true. Not only would there have been no way of keeping me from murdering you with my bare hands, I would have ruined your life. Attacking a young boy in the restroom? You are not worth anything. You do not deserve to live. That’s right, I said it. YOU and all conservative, know-it-all, angry, hateful, worthless, brainless, deplorable human being. You are the reason our world sucks for tweens and teens who are different. How dare you take you own views of the shitty world you want to live in and put them off on my child.

Sitting back and thinking about it my children do live in a fairly “safe world”. They all go to private schools that are very welcoming and allow you to be yourself. They live in the ultra world where all adults are a little “off”. Being an individual in our world is the norm… So yes when we head into the norm of society this is what we have to deal with… I failed as a mother to prepare them better I suppose. Most times he has dealt with the judgement from others well, I think this time the idea that he was alone in a restroom must have been scary.

So my response to Tajh “people are terrible. There are stupid people in the world and when you come across them you are welcome to treat them just as terribly as you need to. You should have told him to ‘go fuck’ himself and come and told me.” Look, normally I’m all about kill them with kindness, but some people just don’t deserve that.

So to the asshole who was a piece of shit to my son, please next time you say something terrible and ignorant to a child let me be standing right there to handle you myself.

And to my kids- Continue to be yourself. Those that matter will always love and support you.

My boy….

tajh 176 tajh 013-2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA IMG_0496

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IMG_1073

 

 

 

 

DSCN0118 IMG_1114

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Blog at WordPress.com.