Posts Tagged With: single mother

Sometimes things are harder then they look….

I don’t know how single moms do it. I never truly thought of how hard it would be to be “on my own”. Yes I have five kids, but I can imagine even with one things aren’t easy. My 6 biggest gripes of being a single Momma (these can totally apply to single Dads too!)-

No one to watch kids while you make a quick run to the store-

That moment when you wake up and realize there is nothing for breakfast so you run to the store super quick before the kids get up? Yeah, single moms don’t have that. There is no “oops I’m out of flour!” moment, you have to plan ahead. I don’t have the option to make a quick store run, if I’m out of something we are all hoping in the car. Luckily I do have a 11-year-old that I trust and send into the store for a couple of items at times. But on the whole, I have to be sure I’m super prepared.

No one to give me a break at the end of the day-

Some days are rough. Some days you just want someone to read to the kids while you clean up after dinner. Some days you just want someone to watch the kids while you go out for a run. There is no “break” until the kids are in bed. Yes I have days that are totally “free”, but what that means is when I am with the kids I’m 100% there. No break, no help, all me. Yes, it is exhausting.

No one to bounce ideas off of-

What should we do today? What should the budget look like? What should we eat for dinner? Look, I’m terrible at making decisions. I like to come up with ideas and run them by someone else. When you are single, there isn’t anyone to take on this job. You can outsource to friends, family, but it’s not the same as having someone else in the home. It is nice to have someone to collaborate with.

No on to back me up (especially when a tween sucks)-

Kid is being highly disrespectful and all you need is another adult to help defuse the situation. Clearly I can handle this on my own, but sometimes it’s nice to have some “back up”.

No one to do the “yucky stuff”-

We were hanging out at Zane Grey watching all the runners and it was cold, snowing cold. We played a bit then they all wanted to get in the van to warm up, perfect, they are contained! I starting hearing that all to familiar “Moooooommy” call… Yay. Come to find Tru has vomited in the van, on himself and Tenny. So now I’m cleaning vomit, alone. Sometimes it nice to have those extra hands to help, or someone who can take over. When you’re a single mom it’s all you, yuck.

No one to sit down with at the end of the day and just talk-

At some point you realize you are actually alone. They are all in bed, and it’s just you. No one to listen to “war stories” from the day: Tru threw a fit, Tenny got paint all over the floor, and I cleaned up poop off the wall (True story). No one to tell all the funny, cute, awesome things the kids did during the day to…  The silence when they kids are in bed is almost haunting.

In the end these are all “doable”.  My Littles are pretty amazing and our little life together is starting to come together. The reality is being a single parent is hard. Having a partner to share the good, bad, and ugly with makes life easier in many ways (and harder in others too!).  Even if your partner sucks, sometimes just having another body in the home can be beneficial. I’m slowly figuring this all out and getting use to taking care of the vomitty situations (I don’t do vomit well…). There are plenty of benefits to being a single Mom as well! I mean, not having to shower until your friends decide to call you out for your stinkyness is pretty sweet….

 

 

 

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Kindness

On the drive to school today I opened up a discussion on kindness. That word use to be huge in my home. With foster children coming and going I was constantly repeating myself, “remember sometimes people are mean because they are sad inside”. I bought every book I could find on the subject and read them to the Littles often. My favorite “Have you Filled Your Bucket Today” became a staple in the house. The children knew to not take others anger as a personal attack and instead to try to understand why someone else would behave that way. They were usually kind to each other (usually) and would work situations out among themselves. That kindness is long gone…

They now fight often. They speak rudely to each other as well as to me. They scream, take things away from each other, and overall just aren’t kind.

I remember the promise that was made to them when the divorce was first spoken of  “it’s ok, we’ll still be friends. Things aren’t really going to be that different.”

A lie.

So I asked the Littles, where has the kindness gone. “You all use to be so kind to one another”, “you used to have compassion for others”, “what happened?”

From the far back of the van Tea responds ” I think the sadness has made the kindness go away”

And with that I’m crushed. Duh that’s why they aren’t kind. Obviously, it’s what I always taught them… Being kind when you are sad in your heart is difficult. Give those people space, try to help when you can, never be mean in response. Well, again I fail. I have been punishing them for their unkindness, sadness. I don’t take them to do fun things when they are all being especially unkind. I don’t take them to the park if the day  is going terribly. I send them all to separate areas and have them read quietly. I take away toys and books. I, in response to their lack of kindness/sadness (Tea pointed out), am not kind in return.

I fail.

Now I sit here researching. Trying to remember all my old “go-to” resources so I can help my Littles. So I can help myself to understand and respect what they are going through. Amazon will be getting a lot of business today as I don’t have any of my old books. I need to remember that maybe when they are being terrible and mean, they need that bonding time. They need to do an activity together, play together, adventure together. I use to know all this… but sometimes you get lost in the chaos. Sometimes the screaming it too much. Sometimes your own kindness gets lost in the mess.

Sometimes it takes the genius of a 9-year-old to remind you, others might be struggling, kindness is always the best approach.

 

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