Monthly Archives: April 2014

People Watching.

I sat in the airport and people watched. I have a need to be everywhere way too early so I had plenty of time to waste. I love people watching and the airport is one of the best places. People coming and going, all with their own stories, which are fun to make up in your own head. The grumpy person pushing past everyone clearly is headed to see family they want nothing to do with. The elderly grandma type smiling at all the babies is headed to see family she DOES want to see. Possibly a brand new grand baby she is excited to meet for the first time. Everyone moving, and those sitting still looking tired, ragged.

I havent traveled much, but I did make multiple trips with 12-14 hours of traveling. The first time I had an almost 2-year-old and was 36 weeks pregnant. Then I came home with a 10 day old as well. The next time I traveled with an almost 2-year-old and almost 4-year-old. I get it, traveling with kids is not easy….

So I sat watching probably a 3-year-old little boy. His mom sat against the wall next to him as he stood and played. Between him and another man sitting on the wall was his stroller. The man was nicely dressed, iPad in hand clearly doing some sort of work. The boy and mom were not as well dressed, no iPad in hand. The mom was distracted, clearly stressed about traveling or something else pressing in her life. The boy played, alone and quiet. Eventually he made eye contact with the man, who smiled warmly at the boy. He took his eyes off his screen and played with the boy. Making faces, smiling, clearly happy with his choice to forego the work. The boy as well was thrilled. For a few fleeting moments they played, the boy Peekabooing around the stroller… Until the Mom noticed, slapped him, and he sat back down quietly… The man turned back to his iPad without even a second thought.

I don’t understand. There is no way about it, I just don’t get it. This man took time from the things he had going on and he and the boy throughly enjoyed each other for those few minutes. How sad that was stolen from them both. How sad that the man did not even react. Maybe he was caught off guard. Maybe he didn’t know what to do. Maybe it wasn’t his place to say anything or even react. Maybe the mom was stressed. Maybe she wasn’t thinking. Maybe there is so much going on in the situation that I don’t understand. But nevertheless, it was still sad to watch. How often we are so engrossed in what we have going on in our own lives that we miss the time to smile at someone else. To give even a brief second of our time to someone else.The boy clearly needed that minute with someone completely engaged with someone. The man obviously was happy to have some time away from what he had going on to just play. If only it wouldn’t have been cut so short… Give that second when you can…. Even if just for me, the people watcher figuring out your story from across the isle.

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I may break something…

Because that would clearly be productive….

I was always an athletic person. Growing up I played baseball, with the boys. Well, that is until they began throwing the ball AT ME and no longer to me. It was around middle school when I retired from little league, but I was still a swimmer, cheerleader (shocking right?!?!) and baton twirler. I was flexible, strong, and super competitive. I have always HATED running, but when I was 22 my EX and I decided to train for our first half marathon, the Disneyland half (see, I have a Disney problem). Of course I began training and then became pregnant, but I continued to run and finished my first half marathon at 20 weeks pregnant. I will not be telling you my time…

So that makes it about 8 years that I have been running. My running plan has always been; run well for 6 months, get injured and be out for a couple months. Often times it has been this deep nagging ache in my calf that no one has been able to diagnose, once a stress fracture, and another time superficial vein thrombosis (This is not deep vein thrombosis which is very scary… I was told unless it comes back I should not worry… who knows). Basically, I’m a mess. I hate this! I can not stand not being able to run. The mountains are sitting out there, calling me, and I am not patient.

Before I knew that Lululemon Shorty Shorts are ALL you should wear. Sad days...

Before I knew that Lululemon Shorty Shorts are ALL you should wear. Sad days…

Right now I’m sitting staring at how beautiful it is outside. Walking hurts, sitting makes me angry, there is no winning. I’m not sure what it is this time, feels like a stress fracture (which it did with the blood clots the last time), but if I rest for a couple days the pain isn’t as extreme. Ugh… I’m frustrated. Honestly I wonder if the last giant baby I gave birth to (9lbs 8ounces, ouch) messed with my hip alignment and that is causing all my issues. Seems like a good thing to blame, right? So for now I sit, angry, until I get my act together and head to the doctor. *sigh* Oh yes, and that means no Zane Grey for me…

Life….

Remembering the days I could run...

Remembering the days I could run…

Categories: Running | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sometimes a little Duct tape is all you need

There was a time in my life where I was an amazing mom. I had everything together and my children spent their days doing crafts, baking and making memories. I felt in control of myself. I felt on top of the world. I felt whole…

At some point that got lost. While some days felt the same, others felt broken. I felt lost in myself, unable to handle simple tasks. Everything felt overwhelming, so I would go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow. Those “better days” became few and far between. I found myself in “survival mode” all too often. I took on the “fake it till you make it ” approach, but at some point even that didn’t work. In the moment it didn’t feel as bad, but looking back now, I was a mess.

I let go of the simply joys, and began seeing everything negatively. I was not finding the joy in my children as a use to, which lead me to be a more “hands off” Mom. While I have always done things differently parenting wise, I still received praise from others in the off beat approach I chose. While I was still receiving this praise, I no longer believed it. No, I was not a “awesome Mom”, I wasn’t even a good Mom. “How do you do it?” I try and not spend my entire day crying and at least feed them three decent meals a day. That counted as a win for me…. Mind you, I did have my good days. Days where we made a mess, painted our bodies, played in the mud, but these days were now work for me. I had to set aside my OCD feelings of needing to clean everything and force myself to let go. Force myself to have fun. How pathetic.

This all made me angry with myself. I was failing, which happens to be one of my biggest fears. I would try, but I just could not get myself together…

I had some silly childish grand idea that moving on in my own life would help….

Its taken a lot of soul search, breathing, and letting go of others opinions. Its been a breaking free of the hole I was pushed in and standing on my own two feet. Its been work, but I am feeling whole again. I am truly thankful for all my friends that have stood by me. Those that have listened and I’m sure wanted to shake me. Although a shaking wouldn’t have been terrible, I am thankful you didn’t. I am grateful you let me learn these lessons on my own, I needed to. So what do I do now that I’m healthy? The sky’s the limit! (you’re welcome for the cliche’) I honestly don’t know. I know that my children are going to benefit. The Mom I was helped to mold Tajh and Tea into the amazing young people they are, the rest deserve that too. I stopped being amazing, I don’t ever want to lose that again.

I’m back baby!image

Categories: My world as a Single Mom of 5 kids | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Holding on to trust

I have always been a firm believer that My Littles should have an adult in their life they can tell anything to and know they will not be judged. Someone that will keep their secrets if that is what they need. Someone to guide them on the right path, someone I too can trust. I never thought my children would choose me for this job…

On a hike the other day I wore Tru while the others marched along, Tea holding Tenny’s hand on the steep downhills. We chatted as usual and the kids began sharing some worries they had. I took a deep breath and thought very hard before I responded, even for me this was a bit much. It was eye-opening to me how much they talk to each other. They shared with me that they had talked about this very thing at the park a couple of days prior. I had wondered what they were doing, not playing just walking in a little gang together around the perimeter. Apparently they were sharing all the little spy work they had done with and discussing their feelings. As a Mother wanting my children to have a super tight bond, I was proud. Now that they were allowing me in on their little secret, I was honored.

Sister Love

Sister Love

He always gets excited when we are going on a hike and falls asleep within minutes… apparently we aren't very exciting!

He always gets excited when we are going on a hike and falls asleep within minutes… apparently we aren’t very exciting!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So they told me what they knew, their feelings, their worries, and asked me to keep their secret. It is not something harmful to anyone else, something that could easily be avoided if people in their lives made an effort, but I still felt uneasy as I made the promise. I will not tell on you. I still feel uneasy, but I can not lose their trust. If I tell, they will know, and then I will not get the chance to be a part of their little gang any longer. Their counseling sessions with each other will become a secret from me, and I can not have that. Maybe that’s wrong of me? Maybe I’m suppose to “be a parent” and not a friend? Maybe I’m making the biggest mistake every and I’m going to pay for it later…

But I honestly don’t care…

I have a secret that I’m not telling! My Littles have a pretty awesome club and I am excited to be a part of it!

My Gang

My Gang

The hike went on, we wandered with no real direction or plan, and it was perfect. I’m really digging not coming up with a plan even for my own runs. Choosing left or right, up or down, going with the flow and allowing the day to create itself. I find myself dreading the days we have things to do and longing for the ones we can get lost in. The no agenda days of the summer have been missing far too long…

 

 

Categories: My world as a Single Mom of 5 kids | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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