Posts Tagged With: Divorced Life

Sometimes a little Duct tape is all you need

There was a time in my life where I was an amazing mom. I had everything together and my children spent their days doing crafts, baking and making memories. I felt in control of myself. I felt on top of the world. I felt whole…

At some point that got lost. While some days felt the same, others felt broken. I felt lost in myself, unable to handle simple tasks. Everything felt overwhelming, so I would go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow. Those “better days” became few and far between. I found myself in “survival mode” all too often. I took on the “fake it till you make it ” approach, but at some point even that didn’t work. In the moment it didn’t feel as bad, but looking back now, I was a mess.

I let go of the simply joys, and began seeing everything negatively. I was not finding the joy in my children as a use to, which lead me to be a more “hands off” Mom. While I have always done things differently parenting wise, I still received praise from others in the off beat approach I chose. While I was still receiving this praise, I no longer believed it. No, I was not a “awesome Mom”, I wasn’t even a good Mom. “How do you do it?” I try and not spend my entire day crying and at least feed them three decent meals a day. That counted as a win for me…. Mind you, I did have my good days. Days where we made a mess, painted our bodies, played in the mud, but these days were now work for me. I had to set aside my OCD feelings of needing to clean everything and force myself to let go. Force myself to have fun. How pathetic.

This all made me angry with myself. I was failing, which happens to be one of my biggest fears. I would try, but I just could not get myself together…

I had some silly childish grand idea that moving on in my own life would help….

Its taken a lot of soul search, breathing, and letting go of others opinions. Its been a breaking free of the hole I was pushed in and standing on my own two feet. Its been work, but I am feeling whole again. I am truly thankful for all my friends that have stood by me. Those that have listened and I’m sure wanted to shake me. Although a shaking wouldn’t have been terrible, I am thankful you didn’t. I am grateful you let me learn these lessons on my own, I needed to. So what do I do now that I’m healthy? The sky’s the limit! (you’re welcome for the cliche’) I honestly don’t know. I know that my children are going to benefit. The Mom I was helped to mold Tajh and Tea into the amazing young people they are, the rest deserve that too. I stopped being amazing, I don’t ever want to lose that again.

I’m back baby!image

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Categories: My world as a Single Mom of 5 kids | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Six Wild and Free

How do I explain what has been going on with me in short? Chaos. I must have been living in some dream world but I honestly never thought I would find myself at 30 with no real possessions, no home, no car, no money, and no education. When I became a full time Mom I believed it was forever and never saw the need to prepare myself to be independent. I get it, I was delusional. In the end I can only blame myself for the terrible spot I am in today. So here I sit trying to decide what I become when I grow up….

My blog will remain Seven Wild and Free, but currently there are only 6 of us. We are Six Wild and Free looking for our number “Seven”. No don’t take “Looking” as waiting around twiddling our thumbs. We are living our lives to the fullest. Adventuring, exploring, and doing epic shit together. If our “Seven” comes along during that time, great. If not, oh well. Now you may ask yourself “but doesn’t she have a +1”?? Why yes, yes I do. My +1 is awesome and has helped me out a ton during this crazy time in my life. Is he “Seven”? I’m not sure yet. I get it, buying in to an existing family with a ton of kids is a lot to take on. Our “Seven” will see how fulfilling a life with us can be and how much my Littles and I have to offer. I made a promise to my Littles that I will not ever marry someone that does not love them as much as I do. That is a promise I will not break. So my little family of 6 is going to continue to be awesome (now that I’ve gotten my shit together somewhat).

Currently I am attempting to train for Zane Grey (yes laugh now). I have been such a mess that no training has happened, well unless you count my 3-4 mile run every Wednesday night leading the group run. So yeah, let’s take a super hard 50 mile, a crazy lady trying to get her life together with ZERO time to run and see what happens. I mean, this should be fun right?? Also let’s add to that, my blood clots seem to be back (superficial vein thrombosis)  and I have no insurance… Yes I’m winning! So who knows whats going to happen. Maybe chaos in your life and loosing everything you thought you had makes you tough enough to run 50 miles with little training? Don’t bet on it, but I promise I’ll try!

I LOVE Zac Brown Band. I have a really awesome memory of a friend who helped me to remember I am special, worthy, and important. One night he sent me this song, it still makes me smile every time I hear it. 🙂

Categories: My world as a Single Mom of 5 kids | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Apparently My Birthday Is Soon???

As my 30th Birthday approaches (it’s way too close for comfort) I have found myself googling things to know/ things I should have done by the time I hit 30. Clearly this is a terrible idea, but alas, I continue to do it anyways. Basically I have achieved nothing close to what I should have at this point (blah blah blah wonderful kids, I get it!). Point is, I became a Mom at 18 when I found out I was pregnant.  All choices I made in my own planning for the future involved being with their father and continuing to be a girlfriend/wife and mom. So now I’ve hit a point where taking a look at my life and the life of others my age is very interesting. So for your reading pleasure I give you-

My top 10 favorite the things I should have done by now or should have by now but don’t … damn I’m really turning 30…

1. A purse/luggage I’m not embarrassed to bring in public– I live out of a backpack, literally. At the kid house I share a room with the girls (and Tru sleeps in my bed with me) so the space is limited. My backpack carries everything I need to live homelessly for those couple of days a week I’m not at the kid house. And I don’t own a purse.  Fired.

2. Something perfect to wear if a “special someone” wants me ready in an hour– Again, I live out of a backpack. The most hope I have to have something fancy to wear in an hour is to be able to make it over to my bestie Lala’s house and raid her closet in that time. Fired.

3. Skin-care regime- Look, we call it a win if I shower once a week. Even more shocking is if I wash my hair. Maybe this is why I’m not married? Fired.

4. Money set aside for retirement- To be fair, maybe if I had “extra” money to set aside I would. With no job, “money set aside” is an interesting concept. Fired.

5. A strong start on satisfying my career goals– I feel like this one is just cruel! I have NO idea what I want to be when I grow up. I am happily a mother of 5 crazy little people, but I guess at some point I should probably find a “career” and then I will have this money they speak of to “set aside” for old age. Ugh! Fired.

6. A hobbie I’ve picked up on my own- Yeah no. I’m that girl that only shows up to the yoga class with a friend. Honestly I even despise going to the grocery store alone. Fired.

7. Understand and keep up with current events– Does this include reading TMZ? I hate watching the news and seeing terrible stuff, I avoid this at all costs. SOMETIMES I get into Seth’s car and his radio playing NPR super loudly (seriously he bumps the nerdy talk) and I hear a little something, does that count? Fired.

8. Read regularly- There was a time where I was devouring books on a daily basis, but then I no longer only had children home with me that nap. I do enjoy reading, but have a very hard time making it happen even when I’m not with the kids. I can usually find a hundred things I would rather do (or need to do) then sit still with a book. Fired.

9.  Know my life goals and have a plan for attaining them– Funny thing about that…I don’t wanna! I love being a Mom, but I’m constantly told that isn’t a “good enough” life goal. Like I should find something else nearly as rewarding as spending every second I can with my kids… sigh.. So no, I have no clue what else I would ever want to do with my life. Fired.

10. Accept you ARE an adult- F that! Being an adult still doesn’t sound like fun to me! Maybe I don’t totally understand what being an adult is yet? But from what I see, I’m not really into it. Fired.

As you can see, I’m far from being ready to be 30. Does this mean I get to push it back until I’m ready? I say yes! I think 30 is just jealous that I got called Teagan’s sister the other day and someone assumed I went to the kids school when I had my backpack on the other day.

So 30, suck it! I may have to say I’m “30”, but I refuse to grow up!

You can't make me grow up!

You can’t make me grow up!

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Breathing and Running with a Little Person

Do you ever feel like you can’t breathe? Like the world is just falling on you and there is no escape? Lately writing just seems hard. Almost as if  writing things make them become true. Like if I just don’t share things out loud (or on the screen) I can will them away. Being lost is an interesting thing…

I think this whole being a person outside of being a mom thing is still had work. When I’m not with them I find myself researching fun things do to with them. I think about how the next day will be spent when I see them, and get everything together so my time with then is as worthwhile as it can be. I’m still not ready to be a person outside of being a mom, and maybe that’s my problem.

Luckily Tea has her race coming up so we are training. Runs with this little lady make everything amazing. Honestly she and I struggle in day-to-day stuff, we are a lot a like and she has the ability to push my buttons. When we run together it is just happiness. We talk, laugh, share stories, it’s perfect. Sharing time on the trail with my Little Lady is definitely the highlight to any day.

This weekend was a 15 mile long run for her. Her first time on the Pemberton Trail where she will be spending plenty of quality time at the end of the month. We ended up not having anyone to watch the other littles until almost 11 so we got a very late start, but we both knew we had to get it done. I carried a pack, handheld, and an extra bottle in my pack. Tea carried 2 small handhelds and I honestly thought we would be fine. I had planned on us being out there for 4-5 hours, not knowing how her little body would be feeling in the heat. We ended up whining together about it being hot (because we are both very good at whining, but only to each other) but kept a pretty good run/walk going on. In the end we finished in 3:45 and both felt pretty awesome. Just a nice little training run and day of play with my Little Lady on the trails.

I followed this run up by drinking nearly a gallon of water, and still not being able to pee. It took over 12 hours after for me to actually be able to go (over share?). When you run with little people you tend to give them everything and try and not take too much yourself, sometimes that’s a mistake. Tea was super hydrated and feeling amazing, I on the other hand clearly let myself get a little too dehydrated. Oh well, live and learn. Little Ladies drink a lot of water and I should bring even more next time!

Love this Little Lady. Could she be any more perfect?

Love this Little Lady. Could she be any more perfect?

So although breathing and figuring my own stuff out is hard, I still have training with my Little Lady to look forward to. I love all my little people, but this special time I have with her right now is wonderful. I am thankful to be able to share this experience with my Tea.

 

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Ex’s Suck

Sometimes its hard to remember to breathe. To remember that you can’t make everything perfect and the pretty picture you would like. To remember that everyone has to make their own choices in the world and that you can do nothing about it. Deciding to be friends with an Ex takes that to the extreme. Attempting to look at your kids happiness, you ex’s wants, and your own happiness is a lot to keep in balance. Every day is a new learning experience and a new chance for growth.

Seth decided to run Cascade Crest 100 before our big summer adventure was planned. The kids would be in school the week before so flying there for the weekend was always the plan. Slowly the plans changed and instead of myself going with him it would be his +1 and instead of just a weekend trip it turned into a week long trip. Already this was slightly disheartening, but when we got back to Phoenix and realized finding a home would be harder then we had thought, remembering to breathe became harder.

I wanted to assume Seth would alter his plans. I mean, your kids are still not in their own space, they don’t have a place to call home, and you are pushing back the home search an entire week? To me it seemed to make sense to just shorten the trip a little. Come back early and continue in this house search. I thought doing this would be best for the kids, I thought it was an obvious plan. With all those I’s clearly I was forgetting to breathe.

Its takes a lot to step back from that situation and realize Seth is an adult and can make choices for himself, I can not change them. In the end I figured out where to stay, how to keep the little ones happy in this crazy situation, and that’s my job. The choices your Ex makes have nothing to do with your relationship with you kids, it only affects them. In the long run you can not make anyone change their behavior, even if you think it would be in the best interested of your kids. As a Mother my job is to keep the kids healthy and happy in whatever situation I am thrown. If down the line choices your Ex makes affect your kids, that is on your Ex, and their relationship with the children will be affected.

So, make the best of what you are given. We spent days at the park, time doing homework at Starbucks, did a crazy turn around trip to beautiful Colorado, and overall had an awesome adventure. Although remembering to breathe can be difficult, in the end silly arguments aren’t going to get you anywhere and will just negatively affect everyone involved. Let things go when they don’t really matter, make the best of everything,  take the chance to have a new adventure.

See it's so hard for me to remember I had to get it tattooed on my wrist!

See it’s so hard for me to remember I had to get it tattooed on my wrist!

Categories: Divorced Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Single Mom

I miss my kids…

This whole “parenting alone after the divorce” thing has finally began. Seth and I each have the kids for basically 24 hours. We are still couch surfing so really having us all in one place for any extended amount of time isn’t feasible anyway. Even when the kids are with Seth I call every night to say goodnight and he does the same when I have them. But I still find myself missing them.

When I had Tajh I become a Mom full-time. I have gone to school on and off and worked a little, but I was still there every night. This last 2 years of Seth and I being separated and now divorced has been an interesting transition in my Mothering. I began leaving the children for nights, going on trips without them, and not living every single day for them. At first it was exciting, I became a Mom at 19 so I never really made choices for myself. The excitement has worn off.

I don’t know what to do with myself. When I have them its constantly planning the next move, keeping 5 kids fed and happy is a full-time gig. When I don’t have them even making food is confusing. How do I cook for 1 person? I find myself getting lost on the internet, snacking on terrible foods, and overall just not knowing what to do with myself.  I can sit and blog, email, get this “life” thing organized, but then what. I have time to run, but I’m still broken so that’s just disappointing. I find myself sad.

So how does someone who has spent 10 years of their life living for their little people find themselves again? How do I become my own person, not simply the T’s  Mom, but Sabrina? And how do I do this when I really don’t want to? When all I want is to be with my kids all day every day?

Moral? I know what Seth and I are doing is right, but that doesn’t mean it feels good. I am allowed to grieve the loss of my former life. The place I felt comfortable, happy, love. The place where I was a Mom, all day every day. Where I didn’t have an identity of my own and that was ok. I miss never being able to go to the bathroom alone. I miss cooking and having a million little people under my feet. I miss having 5 little people talking to me at one time. I miss never having enough hands. I miss not being able to remember if I brushed my teeth. I was ready to no longer be Seth’s wife, I’m not sure I was ready to be Sabrina.

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Divorce Day

Talking to my children about the divorce was scary to me. Despite knowing Seth and I are making the right choice, there is still the ingrained social values that, when I am not on top of my game, make me feel like a failure. Children deserve two parents together and married, right? We told Tajh many months ago, knowing at 10 years, and being who he is, it would be easiest. At the time his only questions was “where will we all live?” and the answer was we were all continuing to live together. Now that things are moving forward and our actual divorce day is tomorrow, we felt it was finally time to let the others know. Seth and I sat Tea and Tay down and had our chat. The important points here are: 1. Divorce looks terrible coming from others parents and 2. Children just need to know you care about them. Tea brought us into a long conversation about her friend we will call “Tara” and how her parents can’t even attend the same school functions together and how sad that makes “Tara”. How terrible is that? Two adults who can’t put their own feelings aside so their child can feel loved. How are such selfish human beings allowed to procreate?

Our Plan:

When we get back from our grand summer adventure we will be getting a “kids house”. A place where they stay, no 2 homes, 2 bikes, 2 of everything. At this house Seth and I will each have our own space as well, but we will be the ones moving back and forth. We will both have separate places we will stay when it is not our time at the “kids house” We will plan on having dinner all together at the “kid house” multiple times a week, but also giving each other time to parent without the other one there.

Talking with Tea about this seemed to calm her fears. No we do not hate each other, we actually are friends and love spending time together. No we will not have to take turns coming to all your special things, we will even sit next to each other! Tay is of course quiet during all this, being a 6-year-old boy means being slightly oblivious, by nature. Eventually he did chime in with: “Grama and Grampa Jim are divorced”. This shocked me because I had never had that conversation with him, but that was all his imput, and he was ready to go play again.

My point:

Screw the societal norms, I do what I want. This “kid house” will work for us for a while, and then we will reevaluate. Seth or I having more children with someone else will require a revaluation, but at least our children will get some time in their space, no moving, no stress, just to continue being kids. Seth and I deciding that we aren’t made to be married has nothing to do with them, that’s our adult problem. It is our job to continue to be friends (which is pretty easy for us) and do everything we can to give them the happiest childhood possible. Maybe sharing a “kid house” is not for everyone, but any little step you can make to unburden children with your adult problems will help them. As adults it is our job to make sure no one takes away their childhood, why should their parents be the first to? I love my Littles, and I love Seth, just as long as I don’t have to be married to him!

Categories: Divorced Life, Parenting | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

My Crew

ing that is.

Today I head to Payson to crew my Exie and my +1 with my Exie’s +1

Awkward?

Yup, it's awkward...

Yup, it’s awkward…

Life would be super boring if it was always normal!

My Exie and my +1 Something its like there is a raging river between them... Oh wait...

My Exie and my +1
Sometimes it’s like there is a raging river between them… Oh wait…

For those of you new to the game… Seth is running Zane Grey 50 this weekend and so is my Man friend. Seth’s Lady friend and I will be crewing both boys together. What better way to get to know someone then playing the hurry up and wait game at an Ultra? Seth might want to be sure to run fast, I wouldn’t want to accidentally over-share…. just saying…

Categories: Divorced Life | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

My non-race report report.

It is funny this divorce thing. No matter how much Seth and I do not agree, no matter how strongly we feel we do not belong together, we still enjoy each other’s company. Yesterday morning, he spend the majority of time before school drop off grumpy with me. Not talking, not looking at, the whole 9 yards. Not an hour later, we were both chatting away. Sharing everything that had happened the day prior and having a good time. Seth stood in the walkway between out living room and kitchen and I sat on the kitchen table. Neither of us wanted him to leave. I wanted my friend to sit home with me all day and hang out and he wanted the same. Now don’t get me wrong, there are no false ideas on either of our part here. Sometimes you just want to spend the day with your friend, no worries no cares. Unfortunately, he had to go to work and I had children to take care of (not unfortunate) so we spent the day texting.

My friend!

My friend!

Over the weekend Seth and I wogged Aravaipa Running’s Crown King Scramble 50k together. Seth is a much better runner than I am, but decided to join my back of the pack party. Kimberly, Rachel, and I took the early start/drink and got the party started. Taking the late start and wrecking the first 10k of the course, Seth then stopped running and joined the lady party (smart man). We spent the rest of the time chatting, drinking (just the ladies) and all and all having a great time. For my first “real” 50k, I could not have imagined having any better of a time. Having Seth to place food in my hand and remind me how awesome I am was a huge help! I am not a person that signs up for races, I prefer to put my music in, put my head down, and slog some miles alone. Honestly, I may be a changed woman after all the fun I had!

Me saying "Hey guys, can't we just stay here?!"

Me saying “Hey guys, can’t we just stay here?!”

What is being reiterated to me more and more is that Seth’s and my friendship will mean everything to the kids as they grow. Us enjoying each other will keep all the drama out of things that normal divorced couples experience. I believe the kids getting to see their parents wanting to spend time together will alleviate any stress about what divorce means. As Seth and I are both entering into relationships with other people, this balance will become more interesting to handle. I know that when it comes to someone dragging my ass up a hill, currently I could not imagine anyone more fit for the job. Despites the occasional ups and downs I am thankful for my friendship.

He may be funny looking, but I kinda like him...

He may be funny looking, but I kinda like him…

Categories: Divorced Life, Running | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

Divorce

Divorce-

Divorce is an odd thing. At what point do you decide enough is enough? How long do you stick it out? While divorce is less culturally taboo than it used to be, it still is not fun to be the person that just couldn’t make it work. It’s one thing when someone cheats, someone is abusive, or the situation just isn’t healthy. It’s an entirely different thing when you just call it quits yet still thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. For Seth and I, this is the case completely.

Seth served me divorce papers via Facebook. In actuality I knew he had them, I knew he had filed, but I made a joke about how funny it would be to see them on Facebook, so he did it. After some banter back and forth via our comments we went and got them notarized. Now we are simply waiting for everything to be finalized. Although I want this divorce, it is a very scary thing. Where do we go from here? We are supposed to hate each other according to society. We are supposed to fight, try and screw each other over, and not hang out regularly and talk about everything. Breaking the cultural norm throws people for a loop. When people find out you are doing something that they don’t believe they ever could, they get offended. It’s as if in my decision to do what’s right for me, I am telling them they are wrong. This is not a new experience, though. Whether it be my extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, running too many miles, being vegan, or foster children, I have always found an evil eye from those around me. Some people just seem to think that me stepping out of the box is in some way me stomping on said box. To be honest, I might not agree with what you do, I may love what I do, but we aren’t the same people.

Seth and I will always be friends. I believe when you start dating so young (16 for us) you grow up together. For us, this caused confusion, we stayed together believing we had no other choice. We falsely saw the love in our friendship and thought that meant we were suppose to be married. We both worried that not being together meant our children had to suffer. The thought of not being able to see them all the time was heartbreaking. You see, our children are literally our world. I know everyone says this, but I am hoping that through this blog, you will be able to see how true it is for us. Our decision to divorce is for them. Seth and I will both be able to move on to find our life partners. Our children will have the awesome opportunity to have four amazing adults in their lives. We have yet to decide what our future looks like. As of now we have spend almost 2 years living together knowing we weren’t going to be together. Although it hasn’t been easy, since there is no rule-book to co-parenting and living together, we have stuck through. I will always have Seth’s back, no matter what dumb decisions he makes (or good ones if hell freezes over). He is my friend, one of my best friends.

My best friend and I have decided to go on a little vacation together. An entire summer with the two of us, all five kids, one dog, and a giant white van. We will be camping, hiking crazy peaks, racing in ultra-marathons, and all around figuring out how to be friends, co-parents, and break society’s rules and changing the world one adventure at a time.

Hi my name is Sabrina and I am a soon to be divorced mom of 5, want my number?

Categories: Divorced Life | Tags: , | Leave a comment

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