Divorced Life

Ex’s Suck

Sometimes its hard to remember to breathe. To remember that you can’t make everything perfect and the pretty picture you would like. To remember that everyone has to make their own choices in the world and that you can do nothing about it. Deciding to be friends with an Ex takes that to the extreme. Attempting to look at your kids happiness, you ex’s wants, and your own happiness is a lot to keep in balance. Every day is a new learning experience and a new chance for growth.

Seth decided to run Cascade Crest 100 before our big summer adventure was planned. The kids would be in school the week before so flying there for the weekend was always the plan. Slowly the plans changed and instead of myself going with him it would be his +1 and instead of just a weekend trip it turned into a week long trip. Already this was slightly disheartening, but when we got back to Phoenix and realized finding a home would be harder then we had thought, remembering to breathe became harder.

I wanted to assume Seth would alter his plans. I mean, your kids are still not in their own space, they don’t have a place to call home, and you are pushing back the home search an entire week? To me it seemed to make sense to just shorten the trip a little. Come back early and continue in this house search. I thought doing this would be best for the kids, I thought it was an obvious plan. With all those I’s clearly I was forgetting to breathe.

Its takes a lot to step back from that situation and realize Seth is an adult and can make choices for himself, I can not change them. In the end I figured out where to stay, how to keep the little ones happy in this crazy situation, and that’s my job. The choices your Ex makes have nothing to do with your relationship with you kids, it only affects them. In the long run you can not make anyone change their behavior, even if you think it would be in the best interested of your kids. As a Mother my job is to keep the kids healthy and happy in whatever situation I am thrown. If down the line choices your Ex makes affect your kids, that is on your Ex, and their relationship with the children will be affected.

So, make the best of what you are given. We spent days at the park, time doing homework at Starbucks, did a crazy turn around trip to beautiful Colorado, and overall had an awesome adventure. Although remembering to breathe can be difficult, in the end silly arguments aren’t going to get you anywhere and will just negatively affect everyone involved. Let things go when they don’t really matter, make the best of everything,  take the chance to have a new adventure.

See it's so hard for me to remember I had to get it tattooed on my wrist!

See it’s so hard for me to remember I had to get it tattooed on my wrist!

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Categories: Divorced Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Divorce Day

Talking to my children about the divorce was scary to me. Despite knowing Seth and I are making the right choice, there is still the ingrained social values that, when I am not on top of my game, make me feel like a failure. Children deserve two parents together and married, right? We told Tajh many months ago, knowing at 10 years, and being who he is, it would be easiest. At the time his only questions was “where will we all live?” and the answer was we were all continuing to live together. Now that things are moving forward and our actual divorce day is tomorrow, we felt it was finally time to let the others know. Seth and I sat Tea and Tay down and had our chat. The important points here are: 1. Divorce looks terrible coming from others parents and 2. Children just need to know you care about them. Tea brought us into a long conversation about her friend we will call “Tara” and how her parents can’t even attend the same school functions together and how sad that makes “Tara”. How terrible is that? Two adults who can’t put their own feelings aside so their child can feel loved. How are such selfish human beings allowed to procreate?

Our Plan:

When we get back from our grand summer adventure we will be getting a “kids house”. A place where they stay, no 2 homes, 2 bikes, 2 of everything. At this house Seth and I will each have our own space as well, but we will be the ones moving back and forth. We will both have separate places we will stay when it is not our time at the “kids house” We will plan on having dinner all together at the “kid house” multiple times a week, but also giving each other time to parent without the other one there.

Talking with Tea about this seemed to calm her fears. No we do not hate each other, we actually are friends and love spending time together. No we will not have to take turns coming to all your special things, we will even sit next to each other! Tay is of course quiet during all this, being a 6-year-old boy means being slightly oblivious, by nature. Eventually he did chime in with: “Grama and Grampa Jim are divorced”. This shocked me because I had never had that conversation with him, but that was all his imput, and he was ready to go play again.

My point:

Screw the societal norms, I do what I want. This “kid house” will work for us for a while, and then we will reevaluate. Seth or I having more children with someone else will require a revaluation, but at least our children will get some time in their space, no moving, no stress, just to continue being kids. Seth and I deciding that we aren’t made to be married has nothing to do with them, that’s our adult problem. It is our job to continue to be friends (which is pretty easy for us) and do everything we can to give them the happiest childhood possible. Maybe sharing a “kid house” is not for everyone, but any little step you can make to unburden children with your adult problems will help them. As adults it is our job to make sure no one takes away their childhood, why should their parents be the first to? I love my Littles, and I love Seth, just as long as I don’t have to be married to him!

Categories: Divorced Life, Parenting | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

My Crew

ing that is.

Today I head to Payson to crew my Exie and my +1 with my Exie’s +1

Awkward?

Yup, it's awkward...

Yup, it’s awkward…

Life would be super boring if it was always normal!

My Exie and my +1 Something its like there is a raging river between them... Oh wait...

My Exie and my +1
Sometimes it’s like there is a raging river between them… Oh wait…

For those of you new to the game… Seth is running Zane Grey 50 this weekend and so is my Man friend. Seth’s Lady friend and I will be crewing both boys together. What better way to get to know someone then playing the hurry up and wait game at an Ultra? Seth might want to be sure to run fast, I wouldn’t want to accidentally over-share…. just saying…

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My non-race report report.

It is funny this divorce thing. No matter how much Seth and I do not agree, no matter how strongly we feel we do not belong together, we still enjoy each other’s company. Yesterday morning, he spend the majority of time before school drop off grumpy with me. Not talking, not looking at, the whole 9 yards. Not an hour later, we were both chatting away. Sharing everything that had happened the day prior and having a good time. Seth stood in the walkway between out living room and kitchen and I sat on the kitchen table. Neither of us wanted him to leave. I wanted my friend to sit home with me all day and hang out and he wanted the same. Now don’t get me wrong, there are no false ideas on either of our part here. Sometimes you just want to spend the day with your friend, no worries no cares. Unfortunately, he had to go to work and I had children to take care of (not unfortunate) so we spent the day texting.

My friend!

My friend!

Over the weekend Seth and I wogged Aravaipa Running’s Crown King Scramble 50k together. Seth is a much better runner than I am, but decided to join my back of the pack party. Kimberly, Rachel, and I took the early start/drink and got the party started. Taking the late start and wrecking the first 10k of the course, Seth then stopped running and joined the lady party (smart man). We spent the rest of the time chatting, drinking (just the ladies) and all and all having a great time. For my first “real” 50k, I could not have imagined having any better of a time. Having Seth to place food in my hand and remind me how awesome I am was a huge help! I am not a person that signs up for races, I prefer to put my music in, put my head down, and slog some miles alone. Honestly, I may be a changed woman after all the fun I had!

Me saying "Hey guys, can't we just stay here?!"

Me saying “Hey guys, can’t we just stay here?!”

What is being reiterated to me more and more is that Seth’s and my friendship will mean everything to the kids as they grow. Us enjoying each other will keep all the drama out of things that normal divorced couples experience. I believe the kids getting to see their parents wanting to spend time together will alleviate any stress about what divorce means. As Seth and I are both entering into relationships with other people, this balance will become more interesting to handle. I know that when it comes to someone dragging my ass up a hill, currently I could not imagine anyone more fit for the job. Despites the occasional ups and downs I am thankful for my friendship.

He may be funny looking, but I kinda like him...

He may be funny looking, but I kinda like him…

Categories: Divorced Life, Running | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

For those new to the craziness…

Thought I would give you a run down of our littles just so you can better follow the stories of our crazy-

Tajh-10
Tea-8
Tayer-6
Tennyson-3
Tru- 22 months

If you can get a picture of 5 little people all looking the right way you are basically a AMAZING! We go with what we can get.

Who is my favorite? The one that is behaving appropriately!

Who is my favorite? The one that is behaving appropriately!

Categories: Divorced Life, Parenting | Tags: , | 1 Comment

Divorce

Divorce-

Divorce is an odd thing. At what point do you decide enough is enough? How long do you stick it out? While divorce is less culturally taboo than it used to be, it still is not fun to be the person that just couldn’t make it work. It’s one thing when someone cheats, someone is abusive, or the situation just isn’t healthy. It’s an entirely different thing when you just call it quits yet still thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. For Seth and I, this is the case completely.

Seth served me divorce papers via Facebook. In actuality I knew he had them, I knew he had filed, but I made a joke about how funny it would be to see them on Facebook, so he did it. After some banter back and forth via our comments we went and got them notarized. Now we are simply waiting for everything to be finalized. Although I want this divorce, it is a very scary thing. Where do we go from here? We are supposed to hate each other according to society. We are supposed to fight, try and screw each other over, and not hang out regularly and talk about everything. Breaking the cultural norm throws people for a loop. When people find out you are doing something that they don’t believe they ever could, they get offended. It’s as if in my decision to do what’s right for me, I am telling them they are wrong. This is not a new experience, though. Whether it be my extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, running too many miles, being vegan, or foster children, I have always found an evil eye from those around me. Some people just seem to think that me stepping out of the box is in some way me stomping on said box. To be honest, I might not agree with what you do, I may love what I do, but we aren’t the same people.

Seth and I will always be friends. I believe when you start dating so young (16 for us) you grow up together. For us, this caused confusion, we stayed together believing we had no other choice. We falsely saw the love in our friendship and thought that meant we were suppose to be married. We both worried that not being together meant our children had to suffer. The thought of not being able to see them all the time was heartbreaking. You see, our children are literally our world. I know everyone says this, but I am hoping that through this blog, you will be able to see how true it is for us. Our decision to divorce is for them. Seth and I will both be able to move on to find our life partners. Our children will have the awesome opportunity to have four amazing adults in their lives. We have yet to decide what our future looks like. As of now we have spend almost 2 years living together knowing we weren’t going to be together. Although it hasn’t been easy, since there is no rule-book to co-parenting and living together, we have stuck through. I will always have Seth’s back, no matter what dumb decisions he makes (or good ones if hell freezes over). He is my friend, one of my best friends.

My best friend and I have decided to go on a little vacation together. An entire summer with the two of us, all five kids, one dog, and a giant white van. We will be camping, hiking crazy peaks, racing in ultra-marathons, and all around figuring out how to be friends, co-parents, and break society’s rules and changing the world one adventure at a time.

Hi my name is Sabrina and I am a soon to be divorced mom of 5, want my number?

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